Thank Therapy

I‘ve been whining a lot lately. Sometimes it just feels like my life is harder than others'. My kids aren’t easy. My son has some mild developmental issues that make school and sports harder for him than for most kids. It also makes my life harder. My daughter is really strong, assertive, and at times volatile…not really easy for me, who hates conflict and just wants everyone happy, to parent. And so the conversation with God goes something like this: “Geez, wasn’t it enough that these kids were really hard get”, recalling in my mind the months and years of infertility, the difficult and lengthy process of adoption, the lost babies, the negative pregnancy tests… “But now these kids have to be so much work!?” So quick is the slope into self-pity and ingratitude…these thoughts lead to longing for what others seem to have…easier kids, lovelier homes, more money for vacations and clothes, an easier marriage…and the list can go on forever. Amazingly, the Lord quietly listens. There’s no strike of lightening, no condemning burning bush appearing in my bedroom, just the sense of a loving Father listening…patiently and gently.

Then I went to the dentist. As he was checking my teeth in a routine exam, he stopped and said, “Did you bite your lower lip or something?” For years, I have had this vein in my lower lip that seems just a little more pronounced and visible. “That….I’ve had that for years.", I answered. “Hmm…” He says. “I’ve never seen it this obvious…looks like it’s gotten bigger. I think we should have an oral surgeon look at it…just to be safe.” Safe from what…I am thinking. “He’ll check it out and decide if it should be biopsied.” Okay…I don’t know about you, but if a doctor uses the word ‘biopsy’ in any context referring to me, panic is quick to follow. “BIOPSY…are you serious?” I wanted to yell. “I don’t want you to lose sleep over this, but we should just get it checked out to be safe.”, he said, probably reading the horror in my face. “Uh huh…” I’m thinking, “Isn’t that how every sad story of someone dying of cancer starts out?”

Suddenly, the voices of all my little complaints became completely silent. My body began to float in the dark space of this thought: “It’s possible I may die before my kids stop needing me.” I love how one thought leads to another… “Let’s get it checked to be safe” leads to a cancer diagnosis which leads to: “What will Craig do without me? What if I’m not around to see my kids get married…or have babies…or fulfill their God-given purposes on this earth?”…all flooding my mind within seconds. Almost instantly, I went from just checking something to “be safe”, to my untimely death and its consequences. I found myself longing to just have the school/sports difficulty and the strong-willed child challenge again. “I love my life…really, Lord, I do. I pray you don’t have to kick me in the teeth to remind me of just how good I have it.” For two days, I had this worry hanging over me…it’s not fun. As I sat in the oral surgeon’s office, having him examine, measure, and take pictures of the crazy-lip-vein that might end up killing me, I thought…please just say, “I think it’s probably nothing” When he finally said the word, “benign”, possibly the best word in the English language, and tried to explain all the other harmless things he thought it was…I swear, the sky outside became more blue…I think I could even smell the beautiful flowers growing across the street. I danced to my car filled with life, with gratitude, with joy, and with an appreciation for this short, fragile, lovely and wonderful life I have.

In high school, my pastor taught us what he called, “Thank Therapy”: Every time you feel down, depressed, alone, or hopeless, stop and find 7 things you are thankful for. The first one is always the hardest to think of. There were times back then that the only thing I could think of was that the sun had come up that morning. But the thing is, as soon as you find that first thing, amazingly, all the other wonderful things…big and small… seem to flood your mind. Inevitably, you find yourself thanking God for far more than just 7 things. Afterward, you feel blessed and joyful…even in the darkest times of your life. I know “Thank Therapy” sounds a little too easy, juvenile, and maybe even corny, but actually it is a profound practice that does help remove the fixation we have on the hard stuff in our lives and our suffering. I have used this therapy many times in my life and it really works. It takes you from a place of depression to a place of peace and joy. But sometimes, when I forget or refuse to do this process, the Lord will drive me to the “thank therapist’s” office Himself. This time the therapist was the possibility of cancer. From my therapy session came a gentle reminder from my God: “You are blessed. You are healthy (at least for today). You have a man who adores you and comes home to you every night. Your kids are miracles and gifts to you…struggles, challenges and all. Stop comparing yourself to others for always there will be someone who has more and someone who has less. I love you, am with you, and you are blessed.”

Nothing like the word “biopsy” to thrust me into necessary thank therapy.